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I’m not a conspiracy theorist. It’s not because I don’t think that the government would love to start snooping around at what’s in my sock drawer, mind you. It’s because nobody in the government can seem to orchestrate a blowjob in a bus station men’s room without getting caught. But the more I read about security concerns regarding all the electronics aboard the vehicles we drive every single day, the more I think I’m making the right move by driving an old shitbox.
This morning, I was listening to the story that’s been widely circulated this week about how DARPA funded a couple of nerds named Chris Valasek and Charlie Miller to purchase a Toyota Prius and a Ford Escape so that they could mess around with any of the 35 ECUs aboard a modern car, and start controlling all kinds of subsystems, like the throttle, the seatbelt pretensioners, the steering system and the brakes.
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Start talking this way and people think you’re some Alex Jones wingnut, but think about what we already know: Chinese hackers have launched wide-scale industrial cyber-espionage programs. The U.S. government has engaged in cyber-warfare, unleashing a worm called Stuxnet that destroyed uranium-enrichment centrifuges at Iran’s nuclear facility in Natanz.
The reaction of the automotive industry in general is chilling. “Miller and Valasek tried to share their findings with Toyota and Ford before they went public,” says the story on Morning Edition today. “Both companies say while they are taking the research seriously, they’re still convinced their cars are safe. They say if someone has to wire a computer into your car to get an attack to work, you are going to notice.”
Uh, ok, auto industry. If OnStar can locate, unlock and start my Chevy Cruze from space today, what’s it going to be able to do six months from now? And what’s some enterprising terrorist going to be able to do with it when he gains access?
This shit’s not just possible in the future, it’s happening, and it’s happening now.
What always bothered me about the rapid adoption of electronics in automobiles is that the technology has been half-baked from the get-go. In the last year, I’ve driven no fewer than four 2013 and 2014 model year cars that have displayed software glitches. I’ve had two instances where cars have needed a wrecker, and both times, the issue was related to a fault somewhere in the ECU. It’s never been anything mechanical.
The idea that the industry as a whole doesn’t think it has a problem is frightening to me. It’s an open invitation to miscreants to stop sending me Nigerian email scams and start fucking with the throttle control on the Prius I’m driving.
The good news for all of us is that we appreciate old shit. The further back you go, the less sophisticated the ECU is. It’s fairly complex on my 1996 Buick Roadmaster, but nowhere near as complicated as the 2014 Chevy Cruze Diesel I just got out of.
It’s non-existent on my ’79 Blazer. There are about eleven wires in the whole harness, and the most sophisticated thing they’re connected to is a relay.
I’m not suggesting we hunker down, start building bomb shelters and return to mules for our daily transportation just yet. But I am suggesting we start taking a hard look at just where all this technology has gotten us to this point, and where it leads in the very near future.
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